Like the name says, I dont know what i'm suposed to do. With my life, my time, my family, my "friends", my everything. What am I suposed to do? What the hell am I suposed to do? I'm going to be starting college full-time, soon as finacial aid kicks in (and that's assuming it will, and with my luck it won't) and raising a new-born, so tell me when i'll have time for a job that pays enuf to move out, to leave, to finally be free and independant? I really don't. I wanted to get a job instead, but they told me I HAD to go to college, so why do I get yelled at about not having money? That's not my fault. Yea getting prengant was, but it's a thing I wouldn't change bcuz it is for the better. They don't understand that, they don't get it. They still look at me as this screw-up, who is going to hell, they're bad child who never does anything right but they don't see how much better I have gotten... Do they comment on the fact that I actually go to church now? That at times I WANT to go to church now? That i've stopped using drugs, all kinds, and drinking, that i'm going to start college, that i'm cleaning around the house, helping around the house, trying to be agreeable, trying to be a good person? No they don't. All they do is focus on the bad. They don't see how much I have changed and how much better things are... Tho they're not really bcuz I still hurt. Everyday. Every second, every time I let my gaurd down... So it's not better really, it's just different. Everything I used to believe is being all twisted around and changed. Things about my family and my friends are no longer clear, they're all muddled. And in being more confsuing, they hurt even more, but god forbid I think that... What the hell am I supsoed to do now? We've lived with my grandparents my entire life, amd I just supsoed to fuckin die here? My mom can't get a job either.. All she says is God knows, so that must not have been the right job for me... But wat the hell IS the plan then? What is suposed to happen... I try as hard as I can to be strong and believe that things will work out, but will they ever? I can't stay here an d share a room with my brother AND a new-born baby, consantly being yelled at or degraded (tho mostly unintential) for much longer. I just can't. All I want to do is cry (but I think it's the hormones coz I don't do that, I dont.. Cry I mean) Everything anyone does just hurts.. I was so happy about this new job my mom was gonna get, it was the perfect oppurtunity and everything was going good... Then she was turned down, again.. Why? I just don't get it.. EVerything anyone does just hurts... My brother trys, he really does. He doesn't get that the shit he does hurts so bad.. That he can't respect anything, that he ruins everything, him and his friends.. By ruin everything I mean my stuff, they have no respect for it, and his friends are constantly here.. It's like I dont matter, my things don't matter, my feelings don't matter... But he doesn't get it.. Probly coz he's to high to get it, but mostly it's that he just doesn't realize it... He is that person who has everything handed to him, looks, athleticism, friends, popularity, love, hell he even has more money that I do coz people just give it to him.. He's out there having sex, doing drugs and I'm the one who ends up pregnant... Just my luck tho right? Everything little things that can do wrong in my life, does... And it's the little things that hurt so damn bad.. Like right now, i'm already having a hard time emotionally and what happens? I break the fuckin comp desk, knock the damn keyboard to the ground where it becomes unplugged so I have to move the modem around so's I can fix it and in doing that I knock more cords loose that I have to fix... I don't need stuff like that at times like this.. When i'm so stressed out I can't hardly function.. I just keep saying i'm fine, coz what else am I supossed to do? Scream and cry and say I need help? I can't do that... I can't.. What the hell am I suposed to do now... I am so consued about everything, but everytime I try to ask a question, I get this guilty feelings inside me, like I should'nt be quesitining god and the things that happen.. But how am I ever suposed to understand or come to terms if I don't ask? I can't get ahold of my dad either.. No big surprise there, it's just that it would be nice to see him.. Be nice to tell him he's gonna be a grampa... Ya know? I could pay ten dollars and have his phone number, I checked it out online a few times... But can anyone lend me that, or help me find him? No, bcuz it's to much money and hell, the number and addy or probly wrong anyway since that's my luck.. Besides, he don't wanna be found obvioulsy.. What the hell am I suposed to do now? When I can't stay here any longer, but I have to, when I have no body to hold me and tell me it's ok, when I know that I never WILL have anyone to hold me.. To love... IDK... Sometimes' life sux... And people have it worse than me which is why I hate to complain.. But just bcuz they do, don't mean I can't hurt... IDK... Just felt like venting I geuss...

You can't? Or you won't? Is there something terribly wrong with expressing frustration? Is there something wrong with using others for support?


Stop and think for a moment. Is that statement really rational? Sometimes your feelings belie the truth; I think you're getting caught in the emotion.

If you continue thinking in this manner, you're defeating yourself! You are unknowingly becoming your own enemy.

Try this: whenever you have a thought like this
1) stop
2) write it down
3) look at it two days later and ask yourself if that statement is rational

I'm willing to wager that you'll discover exactly what I mean.

Stop being your own enemy and take control of your life.
Only you can allow these things to get you down because only you have control over your life.
Learn to accept the fact that bad things will happen to you, and have faith in yourself; you will get through them. These things may even change the entire course of your life, but it's ok to change! Don't dwell on these things - adapt to them.

If you can do these things, you'll probably be a bit happier. Understand that you cannot change overnight though, and never forget that you are in control.

I wish you the best of luck, and don't forget that others have been in your position!

Casey has soom good advice~

If all else fails, here is what I suggest:
a hot bath
a good book (try Lisey's Story by Stephen King, I think you would love it)
a cup of tea
some chocolate

It works for me at least~

Lol chocolate is good...

I know most of my thinking isn't entirly rational lol, and trthfully after I write it and read it later on I feel embarressed about some of the things I read.

But I do just get caught up in the emotion and everything just feels like nothing will change.. Like when one thing goes wrong, it's like everything is wrong.. Idk maybe i'm like overly emotional or crazy or something;)

Some good therapy would probably help lol, but hell i've had a shrink since gradeschool and it never really helped.. Eventually I quit going, once I turned 18 I think it was.

And no, there isn't anything wrong with expressing emotion.. Its just that I can never seem to do it.. I mean, when I see other people doing it I dont think omg wat an idiot.. But when I do it, that's how I feel. Like people are looking at me and saying she doesn't have anything to cry about wat a fricken loser.. I geuss that's bcuz my whle life all i've been told is I don't have it bad so I should stop freaking out and crying over it..

Oh well tho lol. I do get wat ur saying tho, looking at it rationally.. And I try, that's ussually why I never blow, bcuz eventually i've convinced it's stupid to feel so upset...

But about the whole hold and love me thing.. Realistically, I had maybe a 75 precent chance of that happeneing before I got pregnant, and now that I am, that's like cut in half. And even less if I stay where I am now.. Idk lol. It sounds like a pity thing, but truthfully.. Not everyone finds someone, and I sohuld learn to accpect that, it's just kinda hard.

nah, it's natural to feel very upset. I just don't think it's very healthy to contain and repress it.

It's best if you can find a way to channel it; use it to your advantage.

If I'm really frustrated, I almost always head over to the gym and run laps or lift. It's a safe, healthy way for me to cut loose all the rage I'm trying to deal with. Plus, I can always lift more and run harder when I'm angry, and when I'm done, I usually feel MUCH better.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you should work out or anything, but you should consider finding a way to channel your energy. Some, like me, work out, and others might follow artistic pursuits.


The hard part about growing older is finding yourself. It's amazing how much we all change as we grow. You'll change too.

Learn to love yourself for your strengths, and yes, even your weaknesses, and you'll find that what others say matters less and less. Be confident in yourself.

Oh yea, and I agree that chocolate is amazing! I'd kill for an Oreo shake right about now...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOW?
A short story, by Angelroze
Going through the process of doing a rough edit of your story, Angelroze,
prompts me to ask my self: What am I, what is anyone who reads your story, supposed to do next?

I have a feeling that the answer will come, if I ask with sincere empathy.

BTW, Angelroze, the last time we communicated was Nov 13, 2006, 06:15 AM. At the time, you said that you wanted to be a journalist. Is this still your ambition?

Actually yes lol. I'm starting college, as I wrote, and i'm alo going to look up journalism and find out if they're are required classes I need to take as well. It's gonna be hard to find all the classes I might need just doing it here in morton, but eventually I will be able to get to chehalis too and they have more classes. So it might take a LONG time for me to get there, but I will someday... And who knows, it might even be a whole lifelong career for me.

Course what I REALLY wanna do, is sing and act. But since i'm pregnant and tihnking realisticly, i'm doing the next best thing. Writing..

I always thought it would be neat-o to do the whole american idol or nashville star thing, but.. They can be SOOOOO mean. Life Simon, well you sing great but your just too fat! Come on, like that has anything to do with talent.. And that's wat being a singer should be based on, talent, not ur fricken looks... Idk lol it gets me angry thinking about it!

I used to write actually to get my feelings out, venting and so on. Like how you hit the gym (wish I could have that atheltic drive tho lol) But now. Idk I havnt really written anything since I tried my hand at that story and I gave up on that too. I just.. Idk writing doesn't help as much as it used to and.. Maybe it has to do with my hormones and wanting to cry over everything.


Maybe just sitting down (in the shower where no one can hear me of course!!) and crying would help.. Its just that it's so futile bcuz it doesn't help anything.. Everything still sux when ur done.. And so I feel dumb wasing my time crying when it won't change anything..

I get why people cry tho, it can make you feel better afterwards, but.. Idk.. It's just hard ya know?

BTW, Angelroze, if my editing your prose offends you, let me know and I will stop. I intend being helpful. I notice you did do proper spacing in your last post. Good for you!

Incidentally, when you use 'lol' do you use it to mean 'lots of laughts/laugh out loud' ? Or 'lots of love'? If you do not already know, here is how to do the smilie. 'lots of laughs, or laugh out loud' You use : followed by lol and followed by another :

Got it!! Right?? No i'm just used to typing in like myspace and msn and stuff so I dont really edit my stuff so much. And no it totally doesn't bother me.. Actually when I reread it, I liked it.. Like, if I thought of it as not being my problem, it was kinda interesting..

Glad to be of help!!!

Angel Roze, I am going to tell you something.

I have spent six years working on something and today all of my work has been lost. Am I upset? extremly, but I dont loose focus, not even for a minute. Now I am planning my next move.

When Thomas Edisons factory was burnt down, he was asked by a newsreporter,

Reporter: This is terrible, whatever are you going to do now that your factory is burnt down?

Edison: We Begin Reconstruction Tommorow.

The fact that his factory burnt down, didnt phase him for a minute, he just began planning a bigger and better factory. Roze, life isnt easy, what you need are two things,

Persistance

and

Perseverance

You must perservere in times of great mistfortune and be persistant in achieving your goals. Take their comments like they are being thrown against a brick wall, which cannot harm you. Roze, I cannot even describe the emotional pain I am feeling, however, I am completly calm, this is because I have meditated to withstand great emotional trauma.

You must remain calm and focused and try with every last ounce of strength you can summon.

Max, do you wish to keep the story of your lost work to yourself. If so, okay. But can we be of any help?

Angelroze, I found your comment interesting: "Actually when I reread it, I liked it.. Like, if I thought of it as not being my problem, it was kinda interesting.."
THE PNEUMATOLOGICAL COMPONENT
This is what I call using one's pneuma (spirit) to enable oneself to stand back and deal with what is going on in the psyche (mind) and the soma (body). Meditation is a great way to do this.

Indeed I will keep it to myself, Thank you for the offer though Lindsay. If not for my meditation I would probably be most upset but I have remained calm for the most part through focusing my mind.

I think it is about freedom, if you let what other people do and say affect you alot, then you are under their control. But if you decide what to do and remain focused in all situations, then you are much more free.

Yeah, i've always had that problem... Letting what other people say or think control me. I mean, it seems like I don't to certain people, coz I ACT like it doesn't... But INSIDE is where it does..

I'll tell anyone off at any given time for doing something I dont like, and I will keep going with it no matter what they say. But what they say will affect me, alot. It's been like that since I can remember.

It's one thing to know that you can't let stuff hurt you, and another to actually do that. It's hard. I try, I really do to not think about what others say, or let wat they do hurt me... But ive been raised with these comments, and actions and idk how to get out of it.

Idk, life is just complicated sometimes right?

I've always thought meditation would be kinda intersting.. But i've never been quiet able to do it.

Max- That sux about ur story.. Alot and i'm sorry. I really am. But I totally look up to you for the way you don't let it get to you.. That's amazing.

Feb 26, 2007, 02:26 PM, in response to Max, Angelroze wrote: Angelroze, I suggest that both you and Max read PSYCHO-CYBERNETICS by Maxwell Maltz.

I met MM, in the early 1970's, when he made a visit to Toronto. Recently, while my wife and I enjoyed a holiday in Florida, Treaure Island, I re-read, and underlined, much of this book. Good stuff!

http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=MAXWEL...le+Search&meta=
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maxwell_Maltz

Lindsay, I am the one who was talking about Maxwell Maltz with you.. Ive read his book several times..

In my humble opinion, it is possible to write about the kind of principles about which MM writes, don't you think, Max? Perhaps I will start a thread on this and see where it goes. Your constructive criticisms will be welcomed.

Go for it.