i was doing so good, but then i got in a fight with my mom , i had so much stress, i couldnt help myself, i mean i hadnt cut in well over two months and then i got mad and did it and then i didnt do it again for at least a week, then ig ot in that fight with my mother, thinking about "things", stuff with.. gosh and i did it again.. only this time i carved HELP ME on the inside of my wrist... wat the hell is so wrong with me?

ok i wrote this already, but honelty, wat the hell is wrong with me? i cant find a guy, (these are all by the way different guys) the last one told my mom i was cutting and so in turn i cut more cuz i was stressed about her knowing, bfor that this guy practically, well ok he did force me to give him head, and bfor that he dumped me cuz he was "worried" about me, and bfor that he was spreading rumors that we were having sex and that ended him up back in juvy, i mean wtf, i cant even get a guy just for sex. i cant even get real freinds who dont make fun of me at sometime or anothing, all i gotta do is say, ya, ok, im doing good, and they go about their way, thinking its all gravy, when really im screamin inside. wow that would be a kewl line in a song.. gotta write that down.. sorry. i dont know wat to do anymore, i cant talk about this with people, cuz they just think im craz, or something, and i never know if they really wanna listen to me, i mean i keep tihnking that even as im writing this right now that you guys dont wanna listen to me whice, i mean ovioulsy i need some help with my self-confidence but with everyone, and yes i do mean everyone, is tellin how ugly and stupid and fucked up i am, wat am i suposed to do? i mean serioulsy, my counsler told me she was gonna put me in a mental hospital cuz i woulndlt talk to her, and that she was gonna put me in juvy cuz im such a "bad kid" and that im trying to control her by not talking to her and then she tells my mom everything? i cant fricken stand her, and she a "good christian lady" too... ok so maybe my problem arent horrible, but come on, ur "BEST FRIEND" telling you to kill urslef cuz no one will care is suposed to be good? sure i know people have it worse than me but my family has to live with my grandparents bcuz my mom cant get a job bcuz no one will hire her, and i mean im sick of being the poor ugly b*tch (sorry) in tenth grade. well 11th now. i mean no one even cares, especially my dad, shEIT if i thought he cared, no i told him almsot everything, how i cut and stuff, and he never wrote me back, y would he care,. i could just be dead right? make his life a hell of a lot easier... i just cant stanbd being alone.. even if i had a guy i wouldnt, i dont know.. i've got this thing with trust which is why i talk to ppl on the comp about my problem bcuz they can never f*ck me over cuz they dont really know me... first my dad, then DEAN, then eveyrone else... i dont know wat to do anymore. the other day, i was so sressed out, and pissed off, and even (stupid i know) asking god why i coulndt have the courage to just go thru with it and kill myself... i never got an answer of course.. but i wish i could do it.. cuz i would feel so much better.. i cant handle this stuff without someone to talk to n-e-more...
ROze

Hi ROze...

I'm so glad to hear from you again, and so sorry to hear that you are so sad and things are going so badly. I'm afraid I'm not much help, except just to listen and remind you that I think you're a great and valuable person, that I have thought of you a lot in your absence, and that I hope you will come back to us here whenever you can. Dara and Silke have asked me if I have heard from you, and now I am so glad that I have, and I know they will be glad you have been able to get back among us here. I hope they will see your post and talk to you about cutting as they are able; we are none of us doing our best these days, actually, but that just means we are in solidarity with you, because we know what it is like to suffer. You and I, all of us, do share a solidarity of suffering, and that's no small thing. If I were Mr. Perfect or Dr. Phil and just preached at you smugly, it would be cruel, as it always seems to be with people like that; I can never confide in anyone who is so impossibly together, or represents himself to be. I am indeed a broken person just like you, who knows how it feels to hurt, so I can be in solidarity with you; I am also indeed a loving person just like you, who knows how it feels to be alone, so I can share that pain with you as well. I haven't done much cutting in my life, but I have done so many other self-injuring and self-destructive things, trying to anaesthetize myself against the existential isolation, the pain of being. The only thing which has really helped me in my life is communication in various forms; writing, sharing with a trusted friend, and also the communication of prayer. Now I know prayer seems like talking to yourself and one-sided, but the answer seems to come through other people like me. Are you still writing? I would write right now; indeed, I am writing for my life right now, dealing with my own pain. I am happy that you have come and shared here; did you also message other people here on the site, like Dara and Silke? I would reach out now; indeed I do that, and it helps. It is an old saw, but a true one, that we cannot choose our family, only our friends, but it is true; families hurt more than just about anything in this world, it seems to me. One or two real and true and trusted friends can make all the difference. I know what I have replied here might not be much help, but just consider it a sign of my support and acceptance, and know that somebody cares.

Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. Do you know what that means? It means, where there is kindness and love, there is God. Where is God, we ask? We see the face of God in the kindness and love of others, I in you and you in me. Our prayers are answered in the voices of others, mine in yours and yours in mine. Keep in touch with us here; come back whenever you can, and I hope others will reply to your post here too. Remember that you are a good and valuable and important person, and I think you're terrific. You have friends here.

"Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est. Do you know what that means? It means, where there is kindness and love, there is God. Where is God, we ask? We see the face of God in the kindness and love of others, I in you and you in me. Our prayers are answered in the voices of others, mine in yours and yours in mine."

jeez I loved that. thank you so much for caring about me. its relaly ahrd cuz like this guy. james from mossyrock, ok so i liked him an i told him then this girl came up to me and was all ar eyou mad at james? i was all . no... and she was all well are you mad at me? i was all i dont even know you, and she was all well james made me promise not to kick ur a*s before we came tonigt, i was like ok and she was like ur the one that went campiong with im i was all bear canyon? ya.. and she was all you sent him those notes? i was like ya. ok he told me he didnt havea gf and i am so confused cuz why would she wanna kick my a*s if she wasnt his gf? an d then why would he lie to me? i wriote him a letter and mailed it, and vbelive me, its kinda rude. like i guess my fav. part is this.

" Why were you "worried" about me? is anything you should have been worried about her, i can handle pain, remeber? I'm a "crazy demented" person who, oh lets be honest, likes to cut herself. oh wait you were talking about ur brother? well its the same F**KING difference james"

thats my fav. part cuz it tells him how i feel, like exaclty wat i mean.. i dont know wat i mean lol. im just so out of it latley, i have only writt5en once good thing in like almost two years., no joke. they all suck.. i mena. i dont know. the good thing? i got my license, bad thing? no car. lol see everything i dont know. i always F**K everything up ya know?